Advicemaster Asia: Growing up is hard

10:00 AM on 08.04.2009   |   Master Asia

[It's Advicemaster Asia! You clearly know who he is and what this column is. Now, to get out before I get hu--]

How dare you not give me a proper introduction! I am Master Asia, The Undefeated of the East! Does that title not command some level of respect? Or is your skull just too thick to get that idea through it? For those of you who have yet to hear my gospel, I am here to preach the word of the Former King of Hearts, and am here to answer all of your woes.

As we grow older, and experience the hardships of life, sometimes they can become too much to cope with. Love, duty, and friendships can begin to feel like a burden, and you shun them in favor of sitting in a safe and empty environment, simply listening to your tape player over and over. Well, I will not allow that! I, the Undefeated of the East, will help you break through your monotony of life -- with my fists.

Come, Fuunsaiki! Let us answer our readers' questions!

Dear Master,

Political activism has hit an all time low, probably the lowest since the spanish inquisition at its zenith and I want to revive it to its glory years of the 60's, only this time for it to actually cause significant change (and without Nixon this time).

My question to you is this: How do I get the Japanese to band together and not only protect, but promote their freedom to enjoy child pornography and other extreme fetishes?

- BDSM Major and Paedophile in Training

Japan is a quiet and weak nation -- one that will refrain from saying anything when necessary, simply because they do not wish to go against public opinion. What they need is a strong-willed leader. Someone who will brazenly set his foot down on issues and challenge any who oppose him. He also needs to have a strong relationship with America. Yes, that's right. We need Junichiro Koizumi back in the seat of power in Japan.

Not only have his followers in the seat of the Prime Minister all been weak and ineffective, but since Koizumi's departure from the office, he has gone on to be Japan's Gundam Fighters. Once he clenches the title for Japan, giving it the right to rule over the entirety of the world, he will finally be able to create the Worldwide Co-Prosperity Sphere.

Master,

My wife and I have been living on the moon since I saved the Moonrace from the Dark History. The problem is that my wife prefers me to wear dresses and adopt my girl alias, Laura Rolla. I know I'm a hottie in the dress, but I'm sure its really me. What should I do?

-Loran Cehack

Loran, there is no avoiding your destiny. You should know that once you enter into something, such as piloting a Gundam or cross-dressing, you are bound to it forever. So embrace your lifestyle as Laura! Continue fighting in your Gundam! And soon you can learn of the power of That Great Man -- something that will take you much further in life than the Dark History or your Moonrace abilities!

Master,

I recently came to the frightening conclusion that the girl that I've been lusting after may or may not be my sister or mother or something, another cute pilo.. classmate that more or less sorta lives with me is a psychotic bitch, and my commanding offic... guardian is a nymphomaniac who wont seem to take her eyes of my junk. What can I do Master? All of this pressure is just making want to run away - I can't take it anymore! LEAVE ME ALONE!

-S. [CLASSIFIED]

Enough foolishness! How can you consider yourself a man with that sort of attitude? You are currently living in a situation any man would kill for, and all you can do is complain? You need to take command of your life and these women. They all have love for you, but without your action, they will all give up and move on to other men.

You know what? I don't think my words will reach you. There's no hope for you.

Master Asia, let me handle him!

Aaah, Simon. Perhaps you can handle it. You and this mere child shared similar experiences, did you not? But your was warranted, what with the dea--

SHINJI! GRIT THOSE TEETH!

Undefeated of the East!

I, the King of Hearts disagree with the advice you gave me! You said my greatest weakness is that I rely on my friends. Remember when I was alone against General Ulube? I was only able to defeat him when I thought of the people who matter most: Master, Kyoji, Schwarz, and RRRAAAIIINNN. You'll never know true strength until you find something worth fighting for! THE WINDS OF THE KING.

-Domon Kasshu

Domon! Those friends make you weak at heart! You will never be able to achieve your dreams if you constantly worry about them. All you've done is hurt your friends along the way, and expecting them to follow you like lap dogs. How can you even consider them friends? You couldn't recognize your own brother when he was staring you in the face. You ignored and abused Rain until she ran away, and all you could do was act confused.

If you think that they are your friends, you need to learn the meaning of the word! Domon, you are a fool. Why don't we put an end to this with a decisive battle to determine which one of us is right?