Advicemaster Asia: Hunting the otaku in its habitat

8:00 PM on 04.21.2011   |   Master Asia

With the Winter anime season over, it's time for anime fans to come out of hibernation, and prepare themselves and their wallets for the sweltering heat, overpriced figures and flashing skin known as con season. This week, I will explain just how to survive this brutal time.

Reading Heart of Darkness will mentally prepare you for an anime convention, if you've never been. Me? I just plowed through the jungles of Africa at hypersonic speeds, so I needn't worry about aggressive natives or sickening fevers.

What about you? Can you survive everything that a convention throws at you? Are you a veteran of multiple shows each year? Tell us about your war stories in the comments below. If you dare.

Come, Fuunsaiki! Be my legs!

Dear Master Asia,

I wish not to offend you with my lowly question but I need an answer. I'm going to a con for the first time ever, Otakon, and was wondering what to expect. My friends are pushing me to go so I finally agreed this year. I'm a huge gamer and a mild anime fan, here's my profile. I'm fine with fans and things but I hate fanatics. So what am I expecting there? Weaboo's/wapanses? What should I bring? Amount of money? What to buy and what not?

-jellyman223

Otaku are tricky beasts. They don't fall under a single animal family -- they are a wild and diverse group of animals, much like what exists on the plains of Africa. And much like the wildlife of Africa, they live a mostly solitary life: only occasionally do they take down their prey in their wanderings. Even more seldom do they find a mate while wandering around the great countrysides.

Instead, they gather at conventions -- a veritable watering hole for otaku. Here, over the course of a weekend, all manner of anime fans engage in debauchery, memes and photobombs. You will find everyone from the most timid first-time con goer to the slut who will bang anyone dressed as Sephiroth.

You have decided to cast yourself into the fire, going to Baltimore. You should expect to buy ice cold water for $1, which means that cash will be needed in abundance. I simply take what is rightfully mine as the Undefeated of the East, so I worry not for such things. But a lowly con-goer like you will need an elephant gun if you plan to take back any trophies. And plenty of ammo.

May God have mercy on your soul.

Dear Master Asia,

There's a girl who I recently confessed my feelings to. But now she has yet to tell me how she feels in reply - what do I do now?!?!

-Ordinary Gentleman

DEMAND AN ANSWER FROM HER, YOU DALLYING FOOL! We already sat through two seasons of Sawako and Kazehaya not sealing the deal. We sat through year after year of non-committal harem anime. Surely, you raged at that. You cursed the heavens, asking God why these fated romance could not come to a more complete close.

Now that the tables are turned, and you have the power to reach closure, do everything in your might to grasp at that destiny. Is she avoiding you? Visit her house. Ask her for an answer, and do it face to face. There is nothing worse than getting bad news by some digital means. If the girl has enough spite in her heart to crush your hopes and dreams, she needs to do it face to face.

Because, if she is that type, then it just makes her victory all the more savory.

Oh Former King of Hearts,

How can I grow in more manly spirit to better face the shadows within my growing heart?

- World Warrior Ryu

QCF+HP.

Master Asia,

If you're the man of all of Asia, who's Master America?

-Anonymoose

This is a hotly debated question amongst Master Continent scholars. Often, those Ivory Tower eggheads point to the easy choices and call it a day: Chibodee Crockett, Kamina and Bill Clinton. Through my years of extensive in-the-field Mastering, I submit that Captain Douglas Gordon of the Gotengo rightfully inherit the title of Master America. Gordon, in his command of the Gotengo, used the ship to defeat the Japanese menace Godzilla. That's an impressive feat in and of itself, but Gordon shone brightest when he imposed the will of Macarthur.

Gordon spoke in English. Even the common Japanese man understood him and responded. Gordon bent the minds of those around him simply with his presence. The last man to do that was FDR, but his powers proved unwieldy and crippled him early in life. While Captain Gordon might seem like a relative unknown for you all, watch Godzilla: Final Wars. You will be in awe of his power.

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