Advicemaster Asia: Unlock your potential with smoked cheese

6:00 PM on 09.21.2009   |   Master Asia

[Once again, Japanator's resident expert on all things in life is here to answer your questions. So please welcome the Undefeated of the East, the former King of Hearts, and the man who won the last tournament for his home country of Neo-Hong Kong, Master Asia!]

Thank you! That was a proper introduction for once. You are showing promise -- perhaps one day I will teach you the ultimate technique of the School of Master Asia.

Really?

Of course not! Do you think I'm some sort of idiot? I don't just go around showing anybody who asks how to do the technique! It is a time-honored tradition that is only taught to those who are closest to me, and who have paid the appropriate membership fees.

Enough with this mindless drivel! Onto your questions. Fuunsaiki! Be my legs!

Hey Asia!

How many jehovavolts would it take to convert 3.75 L of water into wine?

-Enterprising Physicist

Ah, Jehovavolts -- that brings back some memories. Did you know that I wrote my Master's Thesis on the application of Jehovavolts to small communities as a source of alternative power? Those were good times. But now is not the time for reminiscing.

To answer your question plain and simple, converting a jehovavolt to applicable energy requires the construction of a Watch Tower. Once you have that built, you can apply it to most anything you might need. Without considering the energy needed to maintain the Watch Tower, it would take five megajehovavolts to convert 3.75L of water into wine. It's not the most efficient use of energy, I must say.

Big trouble here, Master Asia!

I'm fighting this apparently immortal, pink, fat monster for ages, but he won't die! And now, I ran out of ki after being Super Sayan for 3 straight days. What can I do to finish this fight for good?

-Warrior who changes his hair color too much

This is your chance to use the Ultimate Technique of the School of Master Asia! Let me show you how to do it:

Hey, Master Asia! Master Asia!

Do you know how to make smoked cheese?

-Churuya-san

Just fucking google it.

I will not take any more of this crap from you, either. I'm sure you've got plenty of other people to ask these questions to, and I will not have it clogging up my column like your arteries are sure to be a few years down the road.

Nyo--

NO!

Hey Master Asia,

Are you the Asian equivalent of Chuck Norris?

-iEro-Sennin

Some have compared me to that man, but I cannot acknowledge whether or not this "Chuck Norris" fellow has the skills that could ever rival my own power. Let me ask you this: if Chuck Norris is so great, why has Neo-America never fielded him in a Gundam Fight match? Hm?

Instead, they've put out the likes of Chibodee Crockett. Now there is a true American hero: a cowboy from the rough-and-tumble streets of Brooklyn, whose mother sang him THE STAR SPANGLED BANNER when he went to sleep. Can Mr. Norris really beat that?

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