Hi, I'm the Ecchi Critic, I watch it, so you don't have to!
Enough Internet references, today I'm here to talk to you about.... Rio -Rainbow Gate!, exclaimation mark theirs, not mine.
I decided to watch Rio for various reasons. Firstly, the proper start to Season 1, Yay! Sure we have the Lovecraft thing, but.. that was a flash cartoon, a poorly animated flash cartoon..... which is automatically awesome due to referencing Lovecraft, but anyway.
Also... I am something of a.... you know... e.... I'm not going to say it, and there's no way you can force me to...ALRIGHT! ALIGHT! I ADMIT IT! I'M! I'm... I'm an Ecchi fan. I like Big... you knows... I like Catfights... I love the Simple 2000 games, even Pink Pong... Riho Futaba is Mai Waifu... I Play Dead Or Alive for the "physics engine"!!!!! I Even Made The Homepage Image for Yuki Takeuchi Fan's Serve Waste of Time!
Rio is quite clearly an Ecchi series. Based on some... Pachinko game from Tecmo...
No unfortunately not the best Pachinko Game ever...
I'm beginning to worry, that we'll never seen an Anime of it, sigh...
Though the Rio games I image are similar to that game, though probably not quite to the same level of, you know...
Quite how you base an Anime on a Pachinko game is anyone's guess, but since they're had animes on baking bread and children's cards games, they'll no doubt find Some
way of doing it...
Another reason why I watched is that the trailer gave me a bit of a Agent Aika Vibe, mixed with a slight vibe of the Devil May Cry Anime, the latter based entirely on the presence of some weird spoilt little girl that the main character probably has to protect or something.
So I thought, eh, why not? It's not like it is going to be so bad it will make me more insane than the protagonist at the end of a Lovecraft story, right?People who follow me on Twitter may know the answer to that one...
So let me begin by... rewatching the episode so I can do this blog in real time and get images... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!!?!
So our episode starts with a girl in bed, seductive music playing, door bell ringing.. I think I missed the doorbell the first time round. Indeed, when I heard the high pitched voices of girls talking, I thought the ferret was one of those Magic Talking ones, trying to wake up their lazy owner.
Anyway, the Ferret, while obviously not the one talking, is still intelligent enough to try and wake up their sleepy mistress, by... pulling her covers off and revealing her Ass to us...
...... Eh, this is really to be expected...
Scene then jumps to some form of limo or something, with an old AWESOME man, and a little girl talking.
The Old man is the most Awesome character in the anime, I mean, Dude, he has a top hat and monocle. BOTH!
Unfortunately later on in the episode they both seem to disappear... maybe the poor chap misplaced them, due to poor memory?
The Awesome Man seems to enjoy gambling, and is taking who I assume is his granddaughter with him. Her Name is Mint and she likes to talk to her Teddy...
Now we have a Montage of the Casino City, and already I think I see Rio pastered everywhere. Name and image.
And then the Old man lets the girl just run off on her own. Without ANY kind of minder.
....... Wait, isn't that utterly stupid? Dude, you just lost Several Awesome Points!
Then Another MONTAGE! Of the girl enjoying the sights and sounds of the place...
Apparently there's much to do here, but I can't help but share her feelings during this bit and pretty much the first half of the episode in general:
I mean, who can blame her? What the hell is some of this stuff? What is this anyway? A Boat pretending to crash into the shore? Why Is This An Attraction? Why Are People Cheering this?
And then the Girl just randomly passes a couple stalkers. Or Spies, I don't know. Well alright, I know exactly who they are, and you probably do too, but it is just utterly random for them to be there it feels.
But anyway, the fact she's being stalked only amusing the little girl for a second, before she starts treating the stalkers, like everything else here, with disdain.
However her attention is quickly perked by even the briefest of glimpses, or merest of mentions of Rio.
It's like she has a Rio-Dar... but why would anyone be that acutely attuned to singling out a Busty Casino Dealer like Rio?
Now we actually see Rio for the first time since staring at her butt during the opening bed scene. I swear she walks like Agent Aika. It seems the girl is not the only one who gets excited at seeing Rio, even if it takes them a full minute to recognise her... Ummm, what?
GAH THIS IS STUPID! This SOOOO STUPID! MY BRAIN CELLS ARE COMITTING SUICIDE! Erk, but let us continue...
The Girl Realises how utterly dull this episode is, but finds her attention perked again when a zombie horde notices Rio, and decides to gang b- Only kidding, no just a horde of rabid fans/gamblers/this is stuuupid, all crowding around to get a glimpse of the girl who is supposed to give people good luck apparently. For some reason, Mint decides this is interesting, and also decides to get a look. Though really, what on Earth could be interesting about Rio? Name two things. Two bouncy things...
Cue Mint trying to get a look too, trying to edge around mostly busty girls, or ram girls with nice butts. She utterly fails at her prime directive, leading the viewer to scream "JUST GET THIS OVER WITH ALREADY!!!!" Or that may have been just me. But I doubt it.
The Masses continue to go completely Loco for Rio...
And already it is pretty obvious what went wrong with this anime. This is an Anime based on a Franchise. Hence, it exists to promote that franchise. I.E, this series exists to Sell Rio. So Rio is played up to a idiotic degree. Everyone is Crazy about the SUPER SPECIAL AWESOME RIO! WE GET IT! RIO IS GREAT! AGHHHH!!!
In the Confusion of the Masses, Mint is Crushed and Killed, bring the series to a wonderful premature end. I wish.
Instead, Mint loses track of where Rio has gone, DRAWING THIS EPISODE OUT LONGER, and giving the story a chance to introduce another character. And oh yeah, to fit in an Old Lady gag, since they're so HILARIO!Er, I hate to say this, but if you can say this, then, well, your career must be down the toilet miss, she's a Frigging Casino Dealer for Cthulhu's Sake!
GAAHHH! RIO'S SO GREAT SHE'S MORE AWESOME THAN FILM ACTRESSES!!!!
Oh Dear Lord, this is so stupid... well at least this new character is pleasing on the eyes...
Then that ass-revealing non-magical ferret appears again, who, while not being able to talk, understand English! Purple Haired Pamela Anderson tells the Ferret, named Chip (Like a Casino Chip, LOL GEDIT!!!) to take the Little girl to its Master, NO NOT THE MASTER!!!
As the Ferret and girl runs off, it looks like the Girl has attracted ANOTHER Stalker! The Villain of the Week! Oh NOES!!!!
We now have another Montage of Ferret following to further draw out this episode, and then a montage of Casino stuff, including chest view of, *SPOILERS* Rio *END SPOILERS*.
Also the Bunny in Red is HOT!
It should be noted that if you want to get some of the better fanservice of the episode, and not actually watch the episode, then from 5:30 onwards for a couple mins you get some of the goods.
This Also includes Someone shouting real loudly about getting 00 in Roulette. Which, according a trusted source on twitter, means The House Wins, i.e. you lose.
Now this kinda makes sense. I mean, have you seen the Dealers at this place? They're basically the representative of the house, right? So if you lose enough that they get so happy they start jumping up and down, then, well my friend, we're ALL WINNERS!
Rio also takes the time to demonstrate why she must be quite bad for the Casino, what with her Luck dispensing power. I mean, really surely that's bad for business? You Want people to Spend More than They Win!
Anyway, people continue to go complete Gaga over Rio...You and EVERYONE else did, Numb-nuts, it was 1 Second Ago! She's Still Here Even! She's Kinda Hard To Miss! GAAAHHH!!!!!
Anyway, eventually the route the ferret takes forces Mint to get on her hands and knees, and crawl along the floor, surprising the lesbian stalkers that were stalking her earlier (SURPISE!!! THEY WERE CASINO DEALERS!!! LOL!!!!)
And FINALLY, along with Mint, and Chip, we have reached our destination, Rio...
Who is all very nice and chummy with Mint, rather than asking the sensible question of "WHAT THE HELL IS A LITTLE GIRL DOING ON THE GAMBLING FLOOR?!?! WHERE IS SECURITY?!?!? WHERE IS THIS CHILD'S PARENTS?!!?!?"
In the Next Scene is is revealed that Awesome Man is in fact Super Man got really old. Or rather, that his name is Mr Clark. And he is meeting with the Casino's owner, Howard, who is a fat, ugly, cigar-chain-smoking pervert.
It is Also revealed that the directing of this episode is a complete mess, and that Mint is here.... Confusingly placed Time Jump is confusing.
Apparently Mr Clark and Howard get along really really well. Not sure WHY as who people are isn't really explained in this series, or at least, this episode.
And then Rio walks into the room, in a Maid Uniform. This isn't because the Animators are perverts though, it's because Howard
is a pervert. We are then treated to a 6 second long upskirt shot, followed by a second one in case you missed the first, because the animators are perverts.
I has my suspicions that Howard is symbolic of the Animators, or Tecmo. This is probably true, but probably not intentional.
It should be noted that I think there Is
an actual reason behind the costume... more on that later...
During the Second Upskirt view, Mint recognises Rio...
WHY DOES EVERYONE TAKE AGES TO RECOGNISE RIO IF SHE'S SO FAMOUS, SEXY AND BEAUTIFUL!?!!?!??!?
Anyway, Super Man decides he's going to gamble a bit now, and Rio, showing some common sense, decides to escort Mint to her room. This probably only occurred to her because it is dark. Mint is VERY HAPPY about it.
Good thing too, as Now Villain of the Week decides to make his attack on the girl, backed by a four men strong army of super generic goons, each with their own style of hair!
But Don't Worry, as Rio suddenly Channels Agent Aika and kicks all their behinds in an instant. Judging by the way she bounces, I think the DOA girls must have given her lessons when she appeared in DOAE Paradise...
If you want to see the best bit of the episode, skip to 9 minutes in.
However when they run off, just stop watching, else you will see...
Some Seriously Spooky Off Eyes!!!!
I can't tell what exactly is off, but they do not look right... Urggghhhh... I think it is that the pupils are too large, so it looks like her eyes are entirely black except for a purple iris... so Wrong looking...
Anyway, for more fanservice, skip to 9:30 to watch Rio getting dressed.
And if you think I am wrong about Mint "liking girls", then look no further than this scene, as we're not the only ones watching Rio getting dressed. Mint CLOSELY watches, sizing her up, and calculating her various statistics, such as "the three sizes"...
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GIRL!?!??!
And Why is Rio getting changed in front of her anyway? I thought she was taking Mint to HER room, as in Mint's, not Her Room, as in Rio's?
Anyway, they start to discuss why the Evil men were after... Mint's Bear, as that is what they were after. Mint has no idea why.
Do you, dear reader, know why?
Then Tweet me
That's right, place your bets! And no cheating by taking part if you've already gone through the pain of watching this episode.
After some more fanservice of Rio via an Advertisement screen, Mint points out that Rio is an idiot who lets her idiotic Boss walk all over her and is moronic for letting him force her into perverted costumes all the time. Alright, she isn't so blunt, but that's just because she's in love with Rio's body and doesn't want to hurt her feelings.
I think the costumes are "supposed" to be a reference to the games she's from, since in them, you win nice images of her in costumes and such.
... Wait a sec. This is an Anime about a series of Pachinko Games... WHY HAVEN'T I SEEN A PACHINKO MACHINE YET!?!? Even the guy whose token she picked up earlier was playing on a Fruit Slots Machine...
From 10:45 we are entertained by Rio's bouncing breasts for the next few seconds... Ooohhh Yeeeeaaaahhhh...
Wait, WHATS THIS!?!? OH NOES!!! PEOPLES ARE LOSING!!! AT A CASINO!!!! THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!!!
Wait, yes it is...
But Rio can't have that, so she starts to work her magic or something...
And now we come to a scene that causes some heated tweets from me when I saw it.
Some Doofus has decided to use the outcome of a gamble to decide whether or not to propose to his girl or not. We can tell this all, because he looks very uncertain, and is carrying a Ring Box.
Now remember kids, if you're this unsure then, no, you probably shouldn't propose, you should wait for the right time, or even, the right person.
Even if part of the reason you haven't propose before was money, you still shouldn't let a game of roulette decide for you. Earn that money, or get some help from your parents...
But of course, this anime wants to make Gambling look "Romantic"...Her Eyes creep me out here...
But UNCERTAIN MAN is UNCERTAIN! Rio Notices this and she does a load of stuff to bless the ball or something, for the guy, as a couple bunnies narrate what she is doing to Mint, and thus, us, and then gives him Bad advice, I mean, Romantic advice, telling him to look at the table and imagine his love, and his feelings will guide him to the winning number.
The Man puts his chips (not the ferret) on 23.
Then as the Ball is coming to a stop, a girl, obviously his girlfriend, comes along to reveal this information...
Now see here. My birthday is on the 3rd of the 3rd, but even I don't go round thinking,
3!?!?!! OMG!!! THAT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!!! LOLOLOLOL!!!!
Anyway, the man's decision is made:
Her response is the kind of response that would make me consider withdrawing my proposal...
Seriously, if you're proposed to, this kind of response seems kinda... shallow.
"Hey Honey, Let's go on A Date!"
"Hhhmm, but what about the Money?"
"Know what, I'll take your sister out instead."
Especially since she's ecstatic the next moment when Rio pushes his winnings to him.
Though her Answer is still an "Okay" according to Crunchy Roll's subs.
Though in her defence, the Damned Idiot NEVER presents his Ring to her.
Also note, from the point the girlfriend arrives, maybe before, the man standing directly behind the guy DOES NOT MOVE AT ALL! And everyone else stops moving after a fashion too. It's HILARIO!
But after this happy scene is over, OH NOES! The Villain of the Week is Back, and this time.. HE BROUGHT DRAMATIC MUSIC WITH HIM! WATCH OUT RIO! HE MEANS BUSINESS!!!!
Also now we can see him in light, we can see tha-OH GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH HIS EYES!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!
Mr ScaryEyes presents Rio is a proposal of his own, that they settle things with a game.
Since, you know, she kicked his men's arses last time, and also since I'm fairly sure trying to steal a teddy from a little girl is illegal so they could just call the cops. Wait...
Anyway, the guy calls himself The Queen Killer...
.... And says yet more dodgy stuff...
Anyway, that busty actress, Rosa, steps in to suggest Rio helps Mint out again, so Rio calls the cops, NO, BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE SMART!!!!
No, Rio will play the game in place of Mint, who is too young to gamble anyway.
So Rio tells him that if he loses, he has to tell them why he wants the Teddy, then get the F*** off the island.
Scary Eyes Queen Killer points out this is two conditions, she she needs to give something else as well as the Bear, if he wins.
Mint, wanting to gain something
at least in the off chance she loses, suggests that Rio has to strip naked.
Everyone Else, other than Rio Agrees!
INCLUDING HER BOSS! HOW HILARIO!!!!!
In fact, her Boss orders a film crew to come to catch the moment, and really really REALLY hopes she loses.
Anyway, they set up this game on a Stage, and EVERYONE gathers round to watch two people play an Adult's Card game.
... Sound familiar?
... So Anyway, Rio turns up in a Wedding Dress.
.... Yeah, I think at this point I was tweeting that this episode was over 100% more stupid than the P&S ending, and I thought that made Snooki look ... like a Middle School student...
That... is an Excellent Question, Mint...
And my Favourite Bunny answers. It is a Ritual.
THAT IS NOT A VALID REASON!!! THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!!!
The Wedding dress sets off Queen Killer Mac Scary Eyes, as, oops, his wife left his five minutes before his Wedding...
Technically, she wasn't your wife then, she was still your fiance. And considering the way you're acting, I'm not surprised she left you...
And No Wonder You've had no luck with women. That's not called luck, its called the other sex having some common sense.
Anyway, he continues to rant, creeping Rio slightly...
And then he says...
DAMMIT MAN! YOU DO NOT SAY THESE THINGS IN PUBLIC!
Seriously, is it even legal? He's just threatened to .... GAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! THIS IS MAKING SNOOKI LOOK LIKE A UNIVERSITY UNDERGRADUATE!
Anyway, they play some weird game of Poker.
And oh, Stupid Mac Scary Eyes dumps his pretty awesome hand almost entirely apart from one queen, because the reason he calls himself The Queen Killer, BECAUSE IN CARDS, THE QUEENS ALWAYS COME STRAIGHT TO HIM!
And then... clearly the Animation Studio decided to do drugs, to give up a trippy representation of luck and statistics or something... I have no idea really.
OH GOD MAKE IT STOP! AN OXFORD GRADUATE!
... Wait, is that supposed to represent the Joker? Still..
So while Rio has a Good Trip, Queen Killer has a Bad Trip through some kind of maze of cards as he looks for his queens, ripping his way through any card that stands in his way...
Obviously, he gets no good cards at all. He has no real hand at all. Rio wins... using the weakest hand in the game, a single pair of twos....
Of course he thinks he's found his queens at first, shouting his victory, only to realise, he sucks.
So anyway, we now find out why he wants the Teddy.
Is it because he hide a micro chip on it?
Is it because he hide drugs on it?
Is it because the Teddy is a Bomb?
Find out at 20:00!
Oh, this is kinda a unique reason....
But Wait, IT IS STILL UTTERLY STUPID, BLARG!
And he isn't even right about his Reason, MOAR STUPIDITY THIS IS HILARIO LOLOLOLOL!!!!!
Rio comforts him by... Smothering him with her breasts... lucky bar-steward.
He, and Mint, both think this is awesome.
Then as Rio is going off, Mint chases after her, asking her to be her "big sister", and then "accidentally" rips her dress, revealing Dat Ass!
And then her Boss orders the film crew to start filming.
And Chip yawns, finding this foolishness boring.
And then we have an Ending animation is cute addictive music, and fanservice.
.... I'm going to have to do this next week as well, aren't I?
Shoot me now...Rio -Rainbow gate! Can be watched on Crunchy Roll. Or you can load up the page on Crunchy Roll and skip around to the best bits... read