Confessions 24: My worst break-ups

7:00 PM on 02.14.2011   |   Marcus Speer

To my utmost beloved,

You know, it's hard for a man, especially on a special day such as today, to admit when and how he made a mistake. Sometimes, it's as simple as forgetting a birthday or anniversary, or even failing to realize that you have made the absolute worst rendition of the Pokemon theme in existence. On Valentine's Day, it's my one and only chance to come clean in hopes of one day becoming a better man for a certain someone. However, my first step to getting that perfect girl needs to begin with me cleansing my past, so if the future woman-of-my-dreams is currently reading this, I have a confession...

Girl, there were others that I thought I loved before you.

But babysnakes, that's the old me. Now I'm a new man, and now I need you to understand why you should love me. This may be a bit hard for you to read, babe...but you need to know who I previously dated, and why things didn't work out. Once we get past this first step, we can live on a better life than either of us ever dreamed.

What do ya say, milady? Will you join me in helping me get rid of these demons I once had after the jump?

Ah, my first crush. She wasn't much, really. We both were in a desperate time in our lives, and deep down we each knew that it would be temporary. Luckily, she was pretty popular and was dumped or something earlier that week. In all honesty, I never listened to her problems or stories...in fact, the only things I listened for from her mouth were hiccups and coughs, simply because her whole body (specifically her breasts) would have to react to it. Honey, you have to realize that I was young and immature back then, and I'm only telling you these things for our own benefit. Besides, if it matters to you, you are by far a much better singer than her.

My split from Misa was quick and painless, actually. Well, for me at least. I'd like to think that her jumping off of a building would be a quick and painless suicide. Anyway, I moved on and this time, I truly thought that I had picked an even worse girl to be with this time. You wouldn't believe how much I freaking hate Prinny's, so it was a real wonder how I ended up with her. The truth is that my bud hooked me up with her. I remember telling him: "Nah, dude. I just got out of a relationship not too long ago" to which he interjected "YOU DO NOT DARE DEFY ME, I AM THE OVERLORD, AND THEREFORE YOU MUST LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY! HOW DARE YOU EVEN ATTEMPT TO QUESTION THE CHOICE OF A DEMON". I told him "Dude, Lars, I don't know. I mean the funeral was yesterday-"

"I ORDER YOU TO DATE HER"

And so I did, and the date I went on with her was really...reeaalllllyyy terrible. I mean, she wasn't too bad, and the food was delicious-- but the friend she brought with her-- Flonne or Floopy or something-- just up and killed any chance I had at a connection with my date. Once, the waiter asked us "What would you folk have to drink this evening?", she would scream "BERRY BARRIER BALIDARE!!!" and sent him flying halfway across the room. If dating Etna meant even the slightest possibility of seeing that weird-looking girl again, then count me out.

That night, Lars called me and said: "HOW WAS YOUR DATE, YOU MORTAL SCUM?! DID SHE EVER SHOW UP?!?!" I told him that she died in a car crash on the way there. He didn't care. Exhausted, that night I felt like I may never find me real soul mate. However, that night as I was checking my email I saw a reply to my eHarmony dating profile. There had been a match! As I looked over her profile, it seemed too good to be true. We both shared similar interests, like online soliciting and computers and we both hate laser pointers, as I was blinded in one eye from my douchebag cousin 14 years ago. However, there was one thing about her that was odd...she really did love bears...

Sure, she was a bit young for my age, but why should love be restricted to appearance? She was beautiful, but not in an exploitative, sexist way. She didn't really like being social in person too much, and also a bit paranoid at times. Plus we never really see each other in person since she's always online doing something. I never questioned what, but it could have been something innocent like Facebook or Tumblr. Oh, kids these days!

However, the one time we did meet face-to-face was an especially odd time. When she greeted me at her home, she answered the door in her pajamas, and looked at the utility poles and stuff in a frantic manner. When she literally yanked me inside, she showed me her room setup, and good lord. This girl really loves computers. She sat down in the fetal position, huddled in a corner. I stand awkwardly for a while. Finally, I look to her. "Yo, so does this thing play Crysis?", and she looked at me with a blank stare. It was then that I decided to leave, and never return again.

Okay, I know what you're going to say, and yes, this was my one of my last partners. Hey, everyone goes through a phase once in their life, sugarlips! I'm still set on loving you as much as possible, however, come winter season of last year, I don't know if I would have said that, because this man was someone who swooped me off of my feet. Everything started out fine. Actually, things started off really great with him! He always hinted at an interesting background story to his life, keeping things mysterious yet entertaining. Then he started hanging out with some people at his school who were obviously in a bad crowd, however he seemed too naive to notice. Things went great, though for a while: he would give some excitement and action when the day needed it, he had a lot of style that set him apart from many of the other people who transfered in during the winter season, and he showed a lot of promise along the way.

Then, the decline. First, he would be difficult when you're trying to learn about where he is or what his story was. He would only give so little story and information before he left at night to fight some kids, even though his biography seems more intriguing than how flamboyantly gay he was. Then the worst offender would be that he does the same mistakes without changing them. It got really...what's the word... repetitive! Soon, I just kind of faded away from him after about 9 episodes ("episodes" meaning "weeks" in homosexual terms), and when I would eventually hear about him some weeks later, I still hear that he's still getting in school-fights each night, and he still doesn't let anyone know about where he comes from and who he is. It's a shame, really. He was someone I could imagine having a fun time with...

And that, my love, is how you use metaphors.

Shortly after, I decided that I liked women again, and I needed a good one to help get back on my groove. Unfortunately, with my luck no such thing happened. Instead, I got dragged into another horrible relationship. She wasn't all too bad, in fact she was funny at times and was cruel enough that she can tear a persons dignity to shreds and make everyone laugh at them. The thing about that, though, was her friend. I just couldn't help but be more attracted to her friend. I mean, hell yeah! I love fangs! But there was something about her friend I couldn't put my finger on. Or even my whole hand. Heck, maybe two hands and some lotion could help. Obviously, I'm talking about her boobs.

But, as Tsu-what'sherface kept being nothing more than a walking stereotype, I couldn't help but fall in love with the other walking stereotype that was her friend. Fortunately enough, there was something that I learned during that time: with all of he strange, wonderful, and gay people I've dated in my life, I realized that looks can be deceiving. Instead, I need to be with someone who, despite their looks, has a great personality and wonderful spirit. And so I said goodbye to that girl, and began writing this letter of confession.

Dollface, I know I may not be the perfect man, or perhaps a good one at that. But even though I am flawed, at least I have the heart and determination to admit it in order to win your affection. So, I beg of you, my joy, to accept my offer of eternal love forever and ever, as I ask this simple question:

Will you be my girlfriend, Heidi Montag?

You Admirer,

--Marcus