JapanaTen: 10 gifts we'd give and who we'd give them to

8:00 AM on 12.26.2011 // Josh Tolentino

It's the season of giving, everyone, and give we did. Oh, there was much giving to be done. But just because one giving eve is over with doesn't mean the giving just has to stop. There are many people out there that we'd love to give things to! 

We at Japanator spent a bit of our time between bouts of intoxication and wild revelry to think of the weirdest, least-possible, most-appropriate presents for some of our favorite characters, 2-D and 3-D alike.

And when the smoke cleared, we had ten. Read on to find out what they are, then tell us what sorts of strange, non-existent things you'd be giving to you and yours!

1.) For Guilty Crown's Shuu Ouma:


A "Pep Talk" from Gundam's Captain Bright!

Said Jeff:

I think this is self-explanatory. If it does not make sense to you, let me just say that Federation Captain Noa is a veteran in the various wars in Gundam, and has since successfully managed several teenage young men, each with extraordinary talent for war, destruction, and emo angst. Captain Noa's trusted tool in such cases involves his right hand, right arm, and a smooth swinging motion towards said teenage young men's cheeks.


2.) For Bunny Drop's Daikichi Kawachi...


A Penguin Helper from Mawaru Penguindrum!

Said Jeff:

"Consistently the penguin helpers in Mawaru Penguindrum are one of the big reasons why I look forward to the show every week. I think they are not only great playmates for kids and adorable pets for the whole family, they can help out keeping the home. Cleaning, cooking, hiding your porn, exterminating roaches and playing house are just a few of the things these penguin pets can do.

And since nobody else can see them, you don't even have to deal with the whole "what the hell is this" problem with mystical critters cooking your dinner when you bring home a date. Raising a child as a single father is already pretty darn difficult, so I think someone like Daikichi can use all the help he can get. It would make a great present, right?"

3.) For Macross Frontier's Sheryl Nome:


The 10th Doctor's Jacket!

Says Hiroko:

Sheryl is an amazing artist and whatnot, but come on girl! Some of your outfits are starting to push the boundaries of what can qualify as a garment! C'mon, there are children in the audience! Dr. Tennant's long jacket always looked so warm, and appropriate! What a better thing than a Timelord's jacket to keep you warm at night?


4.) For Tomomi Itano of AKB48:


Baby Beelzebub's Pacifier!

Says Hiroko:

This year I would love to give my favorite AKB4 girl, Tomomi Itano, Baby Beel's delicious pacifier. I know how hard it is to perfect the perfect "duck face", but fear not. The pacifier of hellfire has got you covered, after only 2-3 hours of pacifier use, your "duck face" is primed, and read to go. I'd make sure the Prince of Darkness cut a little snaggle tooth notch into it, custom style.


5.) For Kaiji Ito


A Selecao Phone from Eden of the East!

Says Chris:

What makes Kaiji awesome? Copious amounts of money and extremely costly and life threatening bets! If we made him one of the selecao, not only would he have a truckload of money, but he'd even be able to clear out anyone that makes his life hell... which I think amounts to near enough everyone! Lose a bet? No problem! Dare to beat Kaiji and you'll end up on a boat with a bunch naked NEET's.


6.) For Grave of the Fireflies' Seita and Setsuko:


All seven Dragon Balls!

Said Chris:

I've used this Christmas to watch all of the Ghibli films I hadn't seen, and while I knew that Grave of the Fireflies wasn't exactly going to be a 'feel good' film, I'd have a real job finding something more depressing to watch. Seita and Setsuko are characters that you can't help but feel sorry for, so I'd happily pass them the dragon balls so they can wish themselves to happiness. Now excuse me while I cry into a pillow.


7. For Shadow of the Colossus' Wander:



Said Josh:

Wander has quite a task ahead of him. Raising one's lady friend from the dead is hard enough as it is, but to do it he'll need to clamber all over a bunch of hairy, gargantuan Colossi and stick 'em in the glowy bits with a weapon that's barely one step above a rusty butter knife. It's a tough job, no matter which way you slice it.

Which, of course, is why Excalibur would be the perfect slicer for any young 'un with a hero's quest on the docket. If the Fate series is anything to go by, the "Sword of Promised Victory" certainly delivers, and not just as a fancy golden pig-sticker. It's also a huge laser gun!

Just by saying the magic word (Hint: It's "Excalibur"), Wander could bulls-eye the giant goofs, no climbing necessary. 


8.) For A Certain Magical Index's Touma Kamijo:


A Rocket Punch!

Said Josh:

Sometimes, you just need to contact someone far away. That's what phones are for! But when there's an illusion that needs breaking, only a human touch will work, a problem that poor Touma's always had to deal with fighting mad magicians and crazy espers alike. They can fly, shoot and teleport, and all he has is his right hand.

With some surprise corrective surgery, conducted in secret by Nichijou's master of making undetected robo-modifications, The Professor, no foe will ever be out of Touma's reach.


9.) For Santa Claus:


The Trans-Am 20,000!

Said Josh:

Hey, if anyone deserves some appreciation, it'd be the big man himself! Santa might only work one night a year, but what a night it is, and he'll need to go as fast as inhumanly possible to get everyone their jackets, cellphones, Noble Phantasms, Pacifiers, pep talks, and secret mecha-surgery. What better ride for him, then, than the car that won Redline? 

Go on, Santa, pop some gold nitro into that car's stove, and you'll get Christmas eve done right quick!


10.) For the President of the United States, Barack Obama:



Howl's Moving Castle!

Said Brad:

I'd give Howl's moving castle to the Commander-in-Chief. It's practically time to start campaigning again, and why not give the President a more eco-friendly way to travel around compared to Air Force One? It'd be a home away from home, with plenty of comfort for him and the whole family -- plus, then have a mobile death panel to administer swift justice to senior citizens!

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Josh is Japanator's Managing Editor, and contributes to Destructoid as well, as the network's premier apologist for both Harem Anime and Star Trek: Voyager For high school reasons, he's called "u... more   |   staff directory

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