You've seen him. You know you have. Even if you don't know you have, you have. He's the Ask A Ninja ninja. In fact, millions of people have seen him. For many more, he is the last thing they never see.

While many a ninja will tell you, over a hot cup of your own steaming blood, that the best ninjas are never seen nor heard, much less talked about in books, it would seem as though this is not entirely true. Case in point, the brand new book Ask A Ninja Presents: The Ninja Handbook.

I've read through this handsome volume, and let me tell you, it's awesome, and I'm not just saying that because I don't want die. I'm saying it because I don't want to die horribly. It's full of ancient ninja wisdom and insanity, helpful diagrams and IM conversations. Most importantly, it will help you too become a master of the ninja arts and crafts, skills which just might get you totally killed in a bad way, but which may also end the lives of many others in the process.

Put on your flabricorn-skin gui, grab a sword and join me after the jump, kick and punch for more.

Of course, one does not simply become a ninja overnight. The Ninja Handbook is quick to point out that there are, in fact, several steps along the ninja path. Starting with “Nonja,” then moving on to “Ninjaish,” “Ninjalike,” “Whoooooooo” and finally “Is That A Ninja,” the book provides a thorough and terrifying guide to the staggering number of requirements and quests one must undertake, all before actually become a for-real Ninja. From creating a kick-ass looking clan flag to throwing a pizza party with your master in a crowded room without anyone noticing, the handbook is chock-a-block with deadly serious and deadly hilarious tips.

But the handbook doesn't stop there. Once one has attained the status of ninja, the handbook provided a host of additional odds and ends to occupy ones time before death. Sections on merit badges (all black, naturally), how to jump with one's tongue, a list of 100 kicks (“The Flying Life Insurance Payout,” “Arch of Annihilation,” “Now You See It Now You're Dead” etc.) colorless illustrations on how to best stab trolls, evil unicorns and clouds, magic, a list of “Top 10 Misconceptions About Ninjas Promoted In Movies” (did you know that not all ninjas are Japanese?), a host of reasons why Batman is not a ninja (“Ninjas don't have aged butlers that pamper them and save their asses when the mission is too hard,”) and lots of more. There are also a staggering number of pull quotes and other words of wisdom for a wide range of pop stars, historical political figures, poets and even some actual ninjas.

Oh, and words. Lots of words. Most of them very, very funny. This isn't simply a hackneyed rehashing of the material from the show. Oh no. Well, yes, a bit I suppose, but mostly it's a tasty mix of grisly illustration, charts, forms, graphs, lists and prose with a feel entirely different than the show. It manages to keep the humor fresh from beginning to end. I didn't think it would be possible to keep the level of super-extreme, over-the-top ninja speak interesting over 326 pages, but these guys pull it off. There is far more to the book than can be regaled in fawning praise here. All I can do is urge you to scamper out to your local book superstore/lifestyle supplier, grab the book and read it in a comfy chair. Heck, maybe even buy it if you find yourself going back to it a few times a week.

There, I did it. Can I go now sir? Hello? Oh good, it looks like he's gone. Phew. ARRRRG!