Yotsuba & Diaries

7:00 PM on 09.01.2010   |   Ben Huber

Excerpted from Ben's Diary, found by Yotsuba:

Perhaps one the most striking things I learned about Japanator when I first joined was how professional everyone was. At first the dirty apartment turned me off, and yes, Jake prancing around in Lizzie McGuire underwear was certainly a shock, but after you get past all that everyone here is in tip-top shape.

But that was before the police crackdown and Brad was arrested. Fortunately he was able to convince the courts to let him stay under house arrest instead of relocating to prison, but the damage was done and that officer who stood guard at the door had a funny smell.

And I'm pretty sure Brad was keeping the officer quiet on some of our... other dealings... by paying him off in lolicon manga. Which was standard procedure by now.

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Journal Entry 6:
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But that's all stuff I covered last time. Let me record some of what has happened since then, 'cause God knows no one is going to believe me now. I hope this diary will fall into some important person's lap and they'll read it. Maybe they'll take as a word of warning against becoming "professional" blogger, or maybe they'll jerk off to it. Not sure which one I'd rather at this point.

On the other hand, I discovered a new friend in Tim. While a sarcastic bastard, he's certainly more sane than most here. He's been training me how to fend off Brad's untamed advances. Most techniques consist of either waving DVDs of Toradora in a circular motion or buying Tim figures. I'm not sure how the 'buying Tim figures' thing fends off Brad, but I trust Tim not to take advantage of me.

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Journal Entry 7:
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Another vital lesson I learned was not to make any wanton advances on any females anywhere in the apartment. After Colette saw one of my recent articles (which was a rip-off of some dumb Japanese comic about a green-haired girl), she declared it was so wonderful she wanted to marry me. Joking along with her I replied, "Haha! Totally!"

What it was that hit me after that I'm still not quite sure, but I'm going to guess it was a Taokaka-branded arcade stick.

In jumped Editor-in-Chief, Brad, a prepubescent girl with a voice that made Darth Vader sound like... well... a prepubescent girl. His agility and freakish ability to appear where I least expected made him a formidable opponent and a highly productive editor, but I wasn't sure what he aim was. Well, until he opened his mouth and the cabinets began to rattle: "Don't you dare lay a hand on CORRETTO!"

(Translators note: CORRETTO is Japanese for Colette.)

"If you want her, you're going to have to get through me!" declared Brad, stamping his foot and trying his best Toradora impression. Pawing my way away from the vicious child, I paused only to say, "Wait, wait, I wasn't being serious! It was just a--"

"A JOKE?!" The roar brought the rest of the staff into the room. Jake stared intently. Colette watched in curiosity of what would happen next. Jeff shut his laptop to watch the show.

Tim put his drink to his lips and slurped loudly.

"You better be prepared for a fight to the death for her hand in marriage, you bastard!" Brad was still the only one talking. I cowered in fear, like usual. After a short stare-down, I decided to speak up, "Listen, uh... you win. Okay? How's that?" Brad stuck his nose in the air and huffed, "Some fight you are! I'm sick of looking at you. Go back to your room and write something for the site."

Jake meekly raised his hand and asked, "We write for a website?"

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Journal Entry 8:
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The following day wasn't as bad, but Brad did give me a new task. I stepped into the "zone" that he declared his (which was just a chalk line drawn in a circle around the TV, PS3, and entertainment center), and asked what this job was. Brad slowly turned his head towards me, set down his roast beef sandwich, then motioned towards the front door. "Open it."

Cautiously, I reached my hand out and pulled the door open. Standing there was a young woman about to knock. Obviously, she was taken aback that I was opened the door at such an opportune time, and I was taken aback because HOW THE HELL DID BRAD KNOW SHE WAS THERE? I looked at him incredulously and he grinned a cheeky grin and quipped, "Security cameras."

Then he continued, "This is Crystal. She's the new intern. Show her around." Brad turned back to Blazblue, and while mashing the buttons, absentmindedly said to me, "Oh yeah, and you're PERMANENT STAFF now, okay? That means no leaving. Ever."

As fear gripped my body and I began shriveling up, Crystal stepped inside and grabbed my hand, preventing me from falling. "Wow, you're so pale!"

"Uh, thanks?" I haven't gone outside in 4 months and 12 days. Last time I tasted fresh air was when Jake popped a balloon by accident, I think.

As Crystal began to examine the apartment, such as the cast-off figures near the back, or Brad's possibly-illegal DVD collection, I pondered if escape was possible. The door was wide open, Brad was preoccupied, and Crystal seemed normal enough to fill my niche of being the straight-man that all the jokes play off of. However, assigning roles like that didn't really work in real life, and I'd have to--

Brad interrupted me. "There's another intern here. Greet them, too. I'm in the middle of a serious combo."

Broken out of my thought I looked out the door again and saw a Chevy Nova pull into the parking lot. Who else had been hired this week, I wondered. But with two new people arriving and the gate of freedom slowly closing, I made my choice. I pushed off and began sprinting down the stairs away from the apartment. I almost passed the Chevy Nova, but the door swung open and stuck me head-on, sending me sprawling onto the pavement. Last thing I remember hearing before I blacked out was Brad's deep voice echoing across the parking lot.

"Good one, Mikey! He almost got away from me... you're getting a promotion! Or the other half of my sandwich!"

MOAR yotsubato:

Yotsuba & Swimsuits AGAIN?!

Yotsuba & Swimsuits ...Again?

Yotsuba & Swimsuits

Yotsuba & "Whatever"

Yotsuba & Deliverance

Legacy Comments

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Crystal White

this man speaks the truth.

Dliessmgg

Hang in there, Ben! You can do it! We believe in you!

Irothtin

Keep fighting, Ben! For love! For peace! For great justice!

Sylusss

Why do I even bothe........
i just noticed right above the comment box, it says "Hai".......
HAI GUISE

Mari Hikiko

This is terrible story. You are in an abusive relationship with Brad and need to get out!

Healing is a process, it's up to you to take the first step..

(lol. "We write for a website?" XD. Moondoggy)

nortonantivirus

Had to do it. Just had to.

Mistypearl

I think Ben should release this in novel form under the Epic of Japanator, then have it get picked up as a drama series...Hilarity ensues.

Mari Hikiko

btw, is Japanator really in an apartment?

syphonicsniper

Ben, you are awesome. Like, better than K-On!! awesome. And that means a lot coming from me.

Ben Huber

@Mari

No, we're scattered all across the fruited plains.

Mike LeChevallier

I choose the promotion but Brad handed me the half-sandwich anyway.

I gave it to a homeless man, who I later found out was Dale.

Dale ate the hell out of that thing, man.

fission2

you guys are my fucking heroes.

Shiro Shishi

Beautiful.

Spike

Ben, good lord man, haven't you realized yet?
Japanator......IT'S A CULT!
You must get out. Adult, baritone voiced men do not normally cross dress as prepubescent girls and demand worship at their personal altar.
Trust no one.

Brad Rice

Fun fact: while Ben was slowly recovering from his injuries, I had to bring in Bob.

And by "slowly recovering," I mean that I'd re-break his bones just before they'd finish healing.

Rewarp

So, Jon Snyder escaped eh?

MihoChan9

You people make my everyday worth it.

Yenner

Very awesome! I had a lot of fun reading this.

I still don't get the Chevy jokes though.

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