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All Mai Husbandos

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They're all mine, get your own

[WARNING: Spoilers for Kill La Kill episode 24, read at your own risk!]

Kathy awoke that day as she did every morning: to the smell of an indulgent espresso beverage, freshly-brewed by a certain blond bartender of unparalleled manliness.

"Ah Shizuo, I swear no one makes a half-calf hazelnut soy latte half so well as you do," she said, sweeping up her glistening locks of dark auburn hair in a loose ponytail as she sat up to imbibe her morning ritual.

Shizuo Hewajima set the coffee mug on Kathy's night table; if the complement gave him any pleasure, he didn't show it. "Eh, all that bartending experience comes in handy," he muttered. With a smooth motion that revealed a certain predatory grace, he leaned his slim frame against Kathy's dresser, a perplexed expression on his face.

"Wait, who are you again?"

Kathy very nearly choked on her morning coffee. "Shizuo, I'm Kathy Read, an anime blogger, remember? You've been living in my apartment for six months -- ever since you lost that enforcer gig. Remember?"

"Oh. Right. Whatever," said Shizuo, although in truth, his expression showed no sign of recognition whatsoever. "I'm bored. I'm going to go outside and beat people half to death."

"Shizuo. We've talked about this."

"I mean, I'm going to go rip road signs out of the ground and break things for no reason," the hyper-violent young man quickly amended. 

"Sure, just be back in time for lunch, OK? You know how Sanji gets if we're not around to eat his masterpiece while it's hot!"

Speaking of the sexy pirate chef, Kathy could just barely detect a tempting aroma wafting in from the general direction of the kitchen. Eager to eat Sanji's latest creation, Kathy downed the rest of her coffee quickly and opened her closet, where a sleepy-eyed Senketsu awaited her. A lady simply couldn't go into the kitchen without being properly attired, and the talking school uniform covered her up nicely. It was a bit strange, having the alien male life fibers covering every curve of her body, but Senketsu was always a perfect gentleman and never shared her measurements with any of the other men of the house.

As she put him on, the uniform seemed distraught. It's arms flapped up and down like little bat wings as it spoke. "You again? Where's Ryuko? And how am I here...I thought I was...."

"Dead?" said Kathy, straitening her skirt. "I already told you Senketsu, that was just a bad dream. You will live peacefully in my closet forever."

"That's very kind of you, but really, I seem to remember recently burning up in the earth's atmosph--"

"IT WAS A DREAM!"

With that, Kathy stomped off into the kitchen, where a sumptuous meal of seafood omelettes, hash browns and fruit crepes awaited her. 

"Why Sanji my love, you've outdone yourself. This looks wonderful," she said as she sat down to eat.

"Only my best work is worthy of your beauty, Kathy-san," said Sanji in a sing-song tone. He was wearing an apron over his black suit; the pink apron with puppies on it that she'd gotten him for Christmas. When he twirled around to face her, his sand-colored bangs obscured his left eye in the most charming fashion. Gesturing with an oversized soup ladle, the dashing cook gave her his most gentlemanly bow.

"When will you let me teach you about the ways of love, gorgeous Kathy-san? I'm even better at lovemaking than I am at making hush puppies -- and you've tasted my hush puppies."

Kathy was too busy bolting down the food to take much notice. "Nom, nom, we'll do the love thing um, at some point? Too busy today. Can you *gulp* make lasagna for lunch though? It's been a while since I've had lasagna...oh, and molten chocolate cake for dessert would be perfect!"

"As you wish, Kathy-saaaaan," said Sanji, sadly. He turned his back to her and began doing the dishes; all kitchen cleaning was his specialty, while Himura Kenshin came over once a week to do the laundry. Kathy was still looking for another man to specialize in cleaning her bathroom -- the one time she had asked Shizuo to do it, he'd broken the toilet seat over someone's head. She didn't know who it was, nor did she care to know.

Just then, another tall male entered the kitchen. Mamoru Chiba, sometimes known as Tuxedo Mask, was wearing that green jacket that Kathy hated, with purple pants as well. Handsome as he was -- with his raven dark hair, alabaster skin and eyes the color of a stormy, faraway ocean -- the man had the fashion sense of a two-dollar hooker.

"Mamoru, I thought we discussed this. You wear the tuxedo, with the top hat, or nothing at all."

 

The beautiful man winced as though she had struck him, tension showing in the line of his manly jaw. "You can't make me wear the tuxedo; I'm not your slave," he practically spat at her.

Kathy took another forkful of Sanji's famous rock-shrimp hash browns thoughtfully. "Oh, are you?" she mused. Sanji and Mamoru both froze; both had lived with her long enough to hear the threat in the loquacious aniblogger's seemingly calm tone. Even Senketsu felt uncomfortable, his alien sweat dripping down onto her collarbone.

"That's good to know...Darien."

If he'd looked as though she'd slapped him before, this time he looked as though she'd belted him in the solar plexus. He gritted his teeth, his face turning a most fetching shade of crimson. "My name is Mamoru!"

"Oh is it? How interesting, Mr. Shields."

That was it; the haughty Earth prince could take no more.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Usagi? Why do we all have to serve you if you're just an aniblogger -- and what is that, anyway? That's not even a real job!"

Kathy slammed her fork down on the table. All the men, including Senketsu, jumped.

"It is so a real job! And you'll never see your precious Usagi again Mamoru, you're mine, all mine! Soon I'll have every hot male character from every anime ever at my beck and call, and I'll be the most powerful anime blogger who has ever lived! BWAH HAH HAH HAH-"

Just then, Hazama Masayoshi burst into the kitchen. Though he moonlighted as the superhero Samurai Flamenco, he looked much less impressive clad simply in his boxer shorts.

"I will not stand for this injustice! Free these men from their bonds, for I am Samurai Flamenco and I will always fight for what is right!" the would-be superhero yelled. Sanji and Mamoru both looked at Hazama incredulously for a moment, gave each other a side-eyed glance, and sighed.

Kathy hid a yawn behind her hand. "Hazama, go outside. Someone dropped an empty Sprite can on the sidewalk yesterday."

Hazama gasped. "Litter!? Litterers will be brought to JUSTICE!" he bellowed, and ran from the apartment at breakneck sprint, nearly knocking over a returning Shizuo on his way back.

"Hey, watch it!" Shizuo called over his shoulder as he swaggered into the kitchen. "And put on some damn pants!"

"What are you doing back so soon? There're people out on the street who are still conscious," said Senketsu. He sounded almost concerned.

"Almost forgot something," said the lanky blond. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of Sanji's apron pocket, paying the other man as much attention as he would a stick of furniture. Ignoring the chef's obvious rage, Shizuo languidly pulled a cigarette out of the pack, lit it and took a long, satisfying drag. When he looked up, as usual, his eyes were like those of a jungle cat ready to pounce on the most helpless prey -- only, this time they were like the eyes of an impulsive, forgetful jungle cat.

"Who are all you people again?"

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Karen Mead
Karen MeadContributor   gamer profile

Hi, I'm a former newspaper journalist who got tired of having a front row seat to the death of print. There probably could be some interesting story there about a disenchanted reporter moving on ... more + disclosures


 


 


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