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JapanaTen: 10 anime characters with no chance in reality

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At times, anime is serious business. I can hold a strong conversation with other anime fans about the deep symbolism and thematic meanings in some titles, and refer to shows that I believe are truly considered pieces of art in some shape or form. It's always relieving for me to get into a healthy debate about my hobbies and favorite aspects of life, and since there are topics out there for anime such as Evangelion or what the future of the industry may hold, seriousness towards anime is never in short supply.

Then at other times, we simply realize that we are watching cartoons.

While it may seem that eastern animation needs to be taken more seriously than typical western animation at all times, sometimes we just need to take a step back and realize the whole ridiculousness of what we're dealing with. Anime as a whole is just plain silly to me, and the disconnection from it to the real world is all too much apparent when you notice the odd things animation could get away with as compared to live-action. Characters that may be well flourished in a specific series could be totally hopeless in a real-world situation, like being hired as a store clerk or attempting to see a romantic-comedy in a theater. In light of taking the completely serious mentality away from anime, I present this rather very not-so-serious list to set an example of exactly how goofy anime characters would be when taken out of their natural setting and into our own reality.

A quick side note: I don't wish to make this a "most useless characters" or "worst characters ever" list. Simply put, this list cast the characters who would be least effective if taken out of their current setting. And for the sake of keeping things interesting, I resisted adding similar characters, as well as ones that are simply too obvious. So no, Team Rocket and Sailor Moon villains are not on this list, so take this with a grain of salt and have fun with it like I did. Anyway, without further waiting, here is the list:

10) Ui Hirasawa (K-ON!)

Preferences on how I want her to shut the hell up more often aside, I personally believe that Ui would have zero luck in being functional in the real world. It seems her only task in life is to feed her older sister Yui and tell her when to breathe and when not to over think while eating her toast, and without that, she simply can't do much outside of aimlessly wondering from senior center to senior center helping old folks. She may be fine if Yui were to also come to the real world along with her too, but I'd rather not that happen, simply because it'd be extra work for me to write a sad article on Japanator about a school shooting in Japan from people who get just as easily annoyed like we do.

9) Sawako Kuronuma (Kimi ni Todoke)

The charm from Kimi ni Todoke comes from knowing that no one in the world is as stupid and dense as Sawako. If I were to say that about a real-life representation of Sawako, I'd be asked to leave Japanator for making harsh remarks to a diagnosed mentally retarded girl. And the funniest thing about it? Sawako isn't alone in being dumb when compared to the rest of the Kimi ni Todoke universe, such as Kazehaya and the students of Sawako's high school for not seeing how beautiful Sawako really is. Well, at least Kazehaya has baseball as a back-up career in the real-world, and the students have functioning brains.

8) Gaku Manabe (FLCL)

One of the most important aspects in being successful and well appreciated in life, especially for a resume and while searching for a job, is a good reputation and an outgoing personality that make people recognize you and enjoy your company. You're probably asking yourself: "Who the fuck is Gaku?!". Well, he's the "SMOOOOCH" guy.

So much for a good reputation and being well-liked.

7) Richard Moore (Detective Conan)

Jesus Christ, this guy is hopeless. Let's ignore for a minute that he pretty much only solved about 0.6% of his cases thus far in the series, and instead go over the fact that he barely questions the fact that he can't remember anything about solving any of them. Just the fact that he couldn't care less about something like that just screams horrible work ethic, and is a key example as to why you should never hire anyone past their prime, and possibly cynical.

6) Myojin Yahiko (Rurouni Kenshin)

Sure, I said that this isn't a list about the most useless characters in anime, but being useful is a strong aspect in having a good life, and Yahiko is probably one of the more useless shonen characters yet (eat your heart out, Krillin). Aside from that, being a cliche hothead is something that probably would have suited better in the late '80's, early '90's, where being radical and rebellious was cool. Now-a-days? I just want people to shut up as I enjoy my damn coffee and free wi-fi, and just go do something more useful, like rant on Facebook or leech people for Twitter followers. If you could get more than 30,000 people to follow you, Yahiko, than I'll consider you acceptable for today's society. Let's see how you stand up right now:

Good God, Yahiko...

5) Revy (Black Lagoon)

When it comes to being an assassin and trained killer, no female could do it better than Revy. However, since this isn't La-La Fairytale Land, the closest our government has had to real action that affect politics was that one time William Taft was stuck in the White House bathtub. In the real world, under real circumstances...yeah, sure Revy could do an alright job hauling equipment or professional hunting. But how long do you suspect she would last until she lost her cool and started offing people? Revy may be more accessible for odd jobs and a better lifestyle than anyone else on the list, but at least the others aren't a menace to society and bound to be responsible for casualties of innocents.

4) Piko (Arakawa Under the Bridge)

You can't fix crazy. Piko may not seem crazy, but she also seems like she can't be fixed, either. For this girl to do nothing but plant and talk to vegetables all day would be heavy on her psyche. Piko is not a normal girl, and while the tired and true message of Arakawa Under the Bridge is to not judge people, I must say that after spending close to 18 hours with all the characters in the show, Piko has the absolute worse luck in the real world. Nino has fishing, Whitey has accounting. Stella and Sister have as good as a chance as Revy, but at least that's something. Maria has livestock as well as a good outlook for being a comedian. Star has music and the Mayor, a man in a costume whom Piko is deeply in love with, runs the entire area. At least he has a sense of responsibility. Piko, despite all my love towards you in your quest to get some hot kappa ass, you are by far the least well-off character of them all. But hey! You're cute!

3) That Halberd-Guy from Angel Beats! (Angel Beats!)

No, seriously...I can't remember his name. Hold on- Let me check really quick...

3) Noda (Angel Beats!)

There's something about a person who can't help but be infatuated with a girl for what seems like no reason at all that's unsettling to me. In a fictional film or TV show, that's rather typical. However, in real life, it's instead rather creepy. Also, being a dick to someone who has no idea where he is or is unaware of the fact that he is dead and stuck in limbo isn't really "team-spirited" when that person fights along-side of you. What's worse is the fact that he thinks he's the coolest shit ever because of it. Those are the kinds of people in high school who obsess over the cheerleader, and sticks a railroad spike through someone's hand for waving to her.

2) Eikichi Onizuka

Great Teacher Onizuka is the best. No doubt about that. And Onizuka is one cool and tough badass, maybe the best there is. But concerning his class, there is no damn way that shit would fly in the legal educational system. As great of an "inspirational teacher" Onizuka is, I don't think I've ever seen Ron Clark "Hokuto Hyakuretsu Ken"-ing other students, either. If half the crap Onizuka ever did in the anime made its way into real life...I think everyone would just be too afraid of having school anywhere anymore.

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And at number one, we have a character who has no contest when compared to other famous characters in famous long-running franchises. Here's a big hint: This character is known for running away at inopportune times, as well as being a strong inconvenience to his fellow cast mates. Have an idea? Well, here is you're answer, at number one:

1) It's NOT Shinji Ikari (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

Shinji Ikari is a horrible choice for this list. Sure, he really sucks as an EVA pilot, and he has the spine of a jelly fish, but he also doesn't want to be in his own world! No one does! The world of Evangelion is one of those few places that viewers would rather not have a fun time escaping to. Shinji would gladly have a nice job here in reality as someone who writes erotic fan-fiction, or works at a Starbucks or something. No, Shinji is definitely...definitely the last person who would have trouble fitting right in. Instead I'm talking about none other than:

1) Naraku (InuYahsa)

If Naraku put 1/4 of the effort he uses to- you know, not ever die- into coming up with a plan to reasonably and productive way to kill  Inuyasha and co., then Kagome would have been dead as soon as she hit the bottom of that well. I really can't help but laugh at the idea of Naraku being anything more than bumbling, lethargic, and an utter cliche. It's unfathomable to consider that he would be beneficial to anything in life other than being comatose. No amount of cliche anime villains could live up to this cluster-fuck of empty promises and broken personality. Or is that the other way around? Either way, if all of Naraku's traits of were condensed together and were set upon the task of making a living in the real world, I'm pretty sure he would spontaneously combust the moment he would start breathing on his own. For a moment, let's take away the fact that he's evil and has no personality. If he was genuinely looking for a job, or a nice girl to settle down with, or even to complete a simple task of setting his alarm clock so that he's not late for an appointment, he would have utterly no idea how to do it. The concept of planning and being on time is non-existent to him. However, if there ever was a job that required surprise visits every few months, followed by a year or two of walking laps around an area non-stop, then Naraku would totally be the man to call.

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So, do you think I got it right? Or should I have listed Spike Speigel because "LOL he's lazy!"?


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MARC
MARCContributor   gamer profile

don't even bother calling me out, I go by OxKing now cuz he's the ickest & more + disclosures


 



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